Continued Adjustment

There has been a longer gap between pieces than I would like, my first week back at school has been quite busy with a massive midterm, lots of seminar work, and a lot of shifts of actual work. But it’s been a good week.

Apart from my hectic schedule, I’ve managed to be fairly social. I went out twice over reading week, hung out with friends two other times, which is monumental for me. I am not a very social person, especially when I am feeling down in the dumps, but recently, I have been coming out of my shell so to speak. And it’s been good. I am having fun, and I am more productive. It feels good.

On the internal side of things, I am doing better. I am not angry any more. The whole situation with my ex had left me very angry. Like incredibly angry. I punched a bouncer. That’s how angry I was. I’m not angry anymore. I’ve accepted what has happened. We’re both young, and young people do stupid things, like treat people like shit, or cheat on them, or dump them on Christmas eve. I understand, their situation is quite unique, and I don’t have any difficulty in recognizing that the circumstances of their life have made being a part of their life something that is either impossible, or impossibly difficult for me, or anyone really. As such, I don’t hold what they did against them. In fact, I think I would be ready for forgiveness if I were to receive an apology, but I doubt I will. This person even came into my work today, looking for my boss, and I wasn’t immediately consumed with rage and a desire to break things, like the previous few times I had seen this person. This is the difference between now and before. Before I would have been furious at seeing them, probably made a snarky comment, not today though. I smiled, and I was professional.

I have had a lot of time to think about the situation, and I have to come to a number of realizations. The first is that I am ready to forgive. The second, even though this person treated me so horribly, and even though they said they cared, and I now have my doubts about whether they ever did or not, I still care about this person. It’s not something I can just turn off. I have also realized there is no way this person can be a part of my life without causing me some great anguish, pain, or trouble. With this, I have resolved not to let this person back into my life.

However, in spite of this, I wish I could have the chance to close things off with a final conversation, I would love to know their side of the story. I would also like to be able to vocalize my forgiveness, and my understanding. I think I also need to explain that we can’t be a part of each-others’ lives. Not now, maybe not ever, but that I do care, and I’m not likely to stop. However, something I do know for certain, if this person ever needed me, I know I would be there for them. I have a desire for closure, and unfortunately this is something that I don’t think I will ever get.

Because I don’t think I will ever tell this person any of this.

Although I am ready to forgive, I doubt I will ever trust them again, and I definitely don’t trust them not to take advantage of all that, and of me.

With all that said, I’m attending a gala and after party tomorrow and they will also be there, so it will be interesting to see what happens when we’re in the same room drunk. I hope I’m not too mean.

I wish I had more to say, something less lame, and less emotional. But my life hasn’t had much substance. Apart from the events of going out, not much has gone on. It’s just been a series of events, apart from all the thinking I did. But to be fair, that’s a great more thinking about such things that I do. And I haven’t exactly left myself open to experiencing something new.

Oh well, I guess all I have is to see what this coming week has in store for me. And this gala.

 

-Dee

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