An Update

I was concerned that I was going to have issues being at the gala with this person. I am also concerned that constantly saying ‘this person’, or ‘them’ is going to drive me insane. From here out I will be referring to them as Ess. I thought being at the gala with Ess had the potential to be problematic, but Ess never showed. Which was fine. I got through the gala, had some delicious food, watched my friends win awards, and then went to start the after party.

There were two pre-drinks going on, the guys team at one, the girls team at the other. not sure why we did it this way, but we did. The pre was good, Ess wasn’t at my pre. After the pre, we all met up at this one club downtown where we had booths reserved, and bottle service.

It was lit.

Ess was here though. And this is where things started to get out of hand. I was already drunk at this point, and it’s important to know, up until that point in my life, the whole being drunk makes you miss your ex thing, was a very foreign concept to me. I was lucky to have a good friend with me, she was able to keep me from acting on this new found drinking phenomena and doing anything dumb, like talking to Ess, or asking Ess to dance. So, I got more drunk instead.

A shot of tequila and half a bottle of vodka later I was ready to really party. I was also ready to be colossally petty. So, I got petty.

It seemed that whenever I turned around, Ess was right there. Now, I wasn’t trying to be in such close proximity, but I also wasn’t trying to avoid Ess either. I did take advantage of the close proximity though, to be petty. I danced with so many people. It must have been out of spite, because I was beyond messed up, I wasn’t going home with anyone, I knew that.

I also made out with four different people, all of them right in front of Ess. Ess also made out with someone, but only one person. I also grinded with Ess’ best friend. Right in front of Ess. Very petty, all of it.

This night left an impact on me. I thought I had done the leg work on moving on from the whole mess with Ess. But as I learned, this morning when I thought about last night there is apparently something still going on in my head and heart.

I don’t understand these emotions, or what any of it means. I don’t know how to sort it out, I only know how to write it down.

I’m confused by what I was feeling. When I saw Ess dancing with someone else, or when Ess kissed that person, I was jealous, and that does not make sense to me. Why would I be jealous? I have been seeing other people, I was feeling good. But I was jealous, regardless. I spent today in silence, mostly thinking, I checked Ess’ Instagram page for the first time in over a week. It feels like I’ve taken a huge step back. And it sucks to feel that way. I am frustrated by this. I want to move past this, I want to be done with it. I don’t want to have to sit and feel the pain of it every couple of weeks.

My desire to have that final conversation with Ess, that I mentioned in the last post, has never been greater than it is now. I need to know their side of the story, the curiosity burns in me. I feel like if I could hear what Ess has to say, I could take another step to getting through this. A large part of what I’m feeling day in and day out, is a sort of anxiety over not knowing what was going on, on the other side of the wire. I don’t know if Ess cared about me, or cares about me, but I want to know. But it’s not something I will know. Unless Ess comes into my work to talk to me about it, or gets in contact with me about it, I don’t see there being a situation where the opportunity for the conversation to happen can exist. If I am sitting by myself at a table, Ess will not sit next to me, and if Ess is sitting at a table, alone, I know I will lack the necessary balls to sit down and start the conversation. I also won’t text Ess. I haven’t deleted the number from my phone, I haven’t even deleted the messages, but I will not allow myself to send that text. And my friends agree that I should not.

I have to accept this, even though last night has made the prospects of that conversation all the more lucrative.

I don’t regret last night. I’m glad I went out, I did have fun, although all I seem to have done is complain about the night. It was fun, a lot of fun, and I needed to have some fun. This makes 4 nights out in 3 weeks, more than I went out in all of my first year of university. So although it was fun, I think both my bank account and I need a break. I think I might need some time to recharge, I am an introvert, so some time alone is actually good for me. When the breakup was fresh, I spent an entire day, about 5ish hours, to get on my bike, and cycle to a beach a couple towns over. It really helped, I’d like to do that again, but it’s a little cold at the moment. But maybe I will find something else to do.

The writing helps, I never expected to enjoy it this much, or for it to be so effective at helping me sort through my emotions and feelings. I want to write more, if I can’t get on my bike and just cycle away from my problems, then maybe I can try writing them away this week. I might also just suck it up and go riding in the cold.

I am not sure what I am going to do about this setback, I believe I need some time to myself. I also believe that this is something that may pass with a bit of time. I’m hoping that these feelings were brought on simply by a combination of being drunk, and being in the same room as Ess. I’ll take it one day at a time, see how I am tomorrow, and then the day after, and so on. School is also about to become very hectic with final assignments and exams, so that should take my mind off it, and then I’ll be moving back home, and I will be in a completely different city from Ess.

I know it’s quite the update, but it was also quite the night. More to come this week I’m sure, until then,

-Dee

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