An Update

I was concerned that I was going to have issues being at the gala with this person. I am also concerned that constantly saying ‘this person’, or ‘them’ is going to drive me insane. From here out I will be referring to them as Ess. I thought being at the gala with Ess had the potential to be problematic, but Ess never showed. Which was fine. I got through the gala, had some delicious food, watched my friends win awards, and then went to start the after party.

There were two pre-drinks going on, the guys team at one, the girls team at the other. not sure why we did it this way, but we did. The pre was good, Ess wasn’t at my pre. After the pre, we all met up at this one club downtown where we had booths reserved, and bottle service.

It was lit.

Ess was here though. And this is where things started to get out of hand. I was already drunk at this point, and it’s important to know, up until that point in my life, the whole being drunk makes you miss your ex thing, was a very foreign concept to me. I was lucky to have a good friend with me, she was able to keep me from acting on this new found drinking phenomena and doing anything dumb, like talking to Ess, or asking Ess to dance. So, I got more drunk instead.

A shot of tequila and half a bottle of vodka later I was ready to really party. I was also ready to be colossally petty. So, I got petty.

It seemed that whenever I turned around, Ess was right there. Now, I wasn’t trying to be in such close proximity, but I also wasn’t trying to avoid Ess either. I did take advantage of the close proximity though, to be petty. I danced with so many people. It must have been out of spite, because I was beyond messed up, I wasn’t going home with anyone, I knew that.

I also made out with four different people, all of them right in front of Ess. Ess also made out with someone, but only one person. I also grinded with Ess’ best friend. Right in front of Ess. Very petty, all of it.

This night left an impact on me. I thought I had done the leg work on moving on from the whole mess with Ess. But as I learned, this morning when I thought about last night there is apparently something still going on in my head and heart.

I don’t understand these emotions, or what any of it means. I don’t know how to sort it out, I only know how to write it down.

I’m confused by what I was feeling. When I saw Ess dancing with someone else, or when Ess kissed that person, I was jealous, and that does not make sense to me. Why would I be jealous? I have been seeing other people, I was feeling good. But I was jealous, regardless. I spent today in silence, mostly thinking, I checked Ess’ Instagram page for the first time in over a week. It feels like I’ve taken a huge step back. And it sucks to feel that way. I am frustrated by this. I want to move past this, I want to be done with it. I don’t want to have to sit and feel the pain of it every couple of weeks.

My desire to have that final conversation with Ess, that I mentioned in the last post, has never been greater than it is now. I need to know their side of the story, the curiosity burns in me. I feel like if I could hear what Ess has to say, I could take another step to getting through this. A large part of what I’m feeling day in and day out, is a sort of anxiety over not knowing what was going on, on the other side of the wire. I don’t know if Ess cared about me, or cares about me, but I want to know. But it’s not something I will know. Unless Ess comes into my work to talk to me about it, or gets in contact with me about it, I don’t see there being a situation where the opportunity for the conversation to happen can exist. If I am sitting by myself at a table, Ess will not sit next to me, and if Ess is sitting at a table, alone, I know I will lack the necessary balls to sit down and start the conversation. I also won’t text Ess. I haven’t deleted the number from my phone, I haven’t even deleted the messages, but I will not allow myself to send that text. And my friends agree that I should not.

I have to accept this, even though last night has made the prospects of that conversation all the more lucrative.

I don’t regret last night. I’m glad I went out, I did have fun, although all I seem to have done is complain about the night. It was fun, a lot of fun, and I needed to have some fun. This makes 4 nights out in 3 weeks, more than I went out in all of my first year of university. So although it was fun, I think both my bank account and I need a break. I think I might need some time to recharge, I am an introvert, so some time alone is actually good for me. When the breakup was fresh, I spent an entire day, about 5ish hours, to get on my bike, and cycle to a beach a couple towns over. It really helped, I’d like to do that again, but it’s a little cold at the moment. But maybe I will find something else to do.

The writing helps, I never expected to enjoy it this much, or for it to be so effective at helping me sort through my emotions and feelings. I want to write more, if I can’t get on my bike and just cycle away from my problems, then maybe I can try writing them away this week. I might also just suck it up and go riding in the cold.

I am not sure what I am going to do about this setback, I believe I need some time to myself. I also believe that this is something that may pass with a bit of time. I’m hoping that these feelings were brought on simply by a combination of being drunk, and being in the same room as Ess. I’ll take it one day at a time, see how I am tomorrow, and then the day after, and so on. School is also about to become very hectic with final assignments and exams, so that should take my mind off it, and then I’ll be moving back home, and I will be in a completely different city from Ess.

I know it’s quite the update, but it was also quite the night. More to come this week I’m sure, until then,

-Dee

Continued Adjustment

There has been a longer gap between pieces than I would like, my first week back at school has been quite busy with a massive midterm, lots of seminar work, and a lot of shifts of actual work. But it’s been a good week.

Apart from my hectic schedule, I’ve managed to be fairly social. I went out twice over reading week, hung out with friends two other times, which is monumental for me. I am not a very social person, especially when I am feeling down in the dumps, but recently, I have been coming out of my shell so to speak. And it’s been good. I am having fun, and I am more productive. It feels good.

On the internal side of things, I am doing better. I am not angry any more. The whole situation with my ex had left me very angry. Like incredibly angry. I punched a bouncer. That’s how angry I was. I’m not angry anymore. I’ve accepted what has happened. We’re both young, and young people do stupid things, like treat people like shit, or cheat on them, or dump them on Christmas eve. I understand, their situation is quite unique, and I don’t have any difficulty in recognizing that the circumstances of their life have made being a part of their life something that is either impossible, or impossibly difficult for me, or anyone really. As such, I don’t hold what they did against them. In fact, I think I would be ready for forgiveness if I were to receive an apology, but I doubt I will. This person even came into my work today, looking for my boss, and I wasn’t immediately consumed with rage and a desire to break things, like the previous few times I had seen this person. This is the difference between now and before. Before I would have been furious at seeing them, probably made a snarky comment, not today though. I smiled, and I was professional.

I have had a lot of time to think about the situation, and I have to come to a number of realizations. The first is that I am ready to forgive. The second, even though this person treated me so horribly, and even though they said they cared, and I now have my doubts about whether they ever did or not, I still care about this person. It’s not something I can just turn off. I have also realized there is no way this person can be a part of my life without causing me some great anguish, pain, or trouble. With this, I have resolved not to let this person back into my life.

However, in spite of this, I wish I could have the chance to close things off with a final conversation, I would love to know their side of the story. I would also like to be able to vocalize my forgiveness, and my understanding. I think I also need to explain that we can’t be a part of each-others’ lives. Not now, maybe not ever, but that I do care, and I’m not likely to stop. However, something I do know for certain, if this person ever needed me, I know I would be there for them. I have a desire for closure, and unfortunately this is something that I don’t think I will ever get.

Because I don’t think I will ever tell this person any of this.

Although I am ready to forgive, I doubt I will ever trust them again, and I definitely don’t trust them not to take advantage of all that, and of me.

With all that said, I’m attending a gala and after party tomorrow and they will also be there, so it will be interesting to see what happens when we’re in the same room drunk. I hope I’m not too mean.

I wish I had more to say, something less lame, and less emotional. But my life hasn’t had much substance. Apart from the events of going out, not much has gone on. It’s just been a series of events, apart from all the thinking I did. But to be fair, that’s a great more thinking about such things that I do. And I haven’t exactly left myself open to experiencing something new.

Oh well, I guess all I have is to see what this coming week has in store for me. And this gala.

 

-Dee

Breaking Patterns

At first I was loathsome to break the little pattern I was developing of fiction, blog, fiction, blog. But considering the next little piece I want to write is still just a bunch of loosely connected ideas bouncing of the inside of my skull, I figured I should use my time a bit more productively. Study for my midterm. Or write a blog piece. Maybe both.

Of course, with the decision to do a blog piece I needed something to write about. I could talk about how I went out with some friends Saturday night, but nobody wants to hear me talk about my drunken night on the town. There’s also not much going on in the last few days, or the next few. I guess its noteworthy that one of my housemates decided to come back early so he could get some school work done, so I won’t get to see if I descend into paranoia. But other than that, nothing really of note.

So, I will talk about something I don’t think I have ever really talked about, or even put much thought into.

Fear.

I’ve never had a friend or significant other who I was close enough with to really get into a conversation about this. So, I have never talked about it. Without talking about it, there was no reason to think about it. It isn’t easy to even sit down and come up with a list of my fears, so much of what I would write would have a question mark next to it. On the subject of irrational phobias, I am pretty sure I remain unafflicted, but I still have some fears that are silly, but not quite irrational. I guess it makes sense to me, to start with the big, and move to the small.

My father is scared of heights, my brother is scared of insects. Both in the phobia sense, my brother will scream like a little girl at the sight of a centipede, and my dad gets sweaty, nervous, and just a tiny bit hysterical when we get anywhere he would consider a height. I have neither of these phobias. However, I am by no means comfortable leaning out the windows of tall buildings, but I enjoy drop zones, and airplanes, and other things that would terrify my dad. Bugs don’t bug me. I will happily squish a bug for someone, swat a fly, or remove a hornet’s nest. I won’t hold a tarantula though. I was at a birthday party as a little kid and there was a reptile guy, I was holding the spider and he was talking about how they will shoot all the hairs off their body when they feel threatened. To demonstrate this, he poked the spider, intending it to bristle its little hairs and tense up. I guess he had poked it one too many times, because it shot those little hairs into my arms, neck, and chin. It stung a lot. So, I won’t hold tarantulas anymore. But I don’t think of it as a phobia.

As far as phobias go, I’m pretty sure the closest thing I’ve got is my discomfort with water. Which is a silly thing to read from a person who loves to swim, and row, and kayak, and canoe, and dive, and in general just be in the water. But I do have a discomfort around water, specifically large, deep, expanses of water where you can’t see anything but water. The ocean basically, and the great lakes if you find yourself too far from shore. I am not sure what it is about it, but there have been a handful of times where I was swimming, or in some kind of boat, and I could no longer see the shore, in any direction, and it always makes me incredibly nervous, and uncomfortable. My heart rate picks up, my breathing gets shallow, I start to sweat a bit. I don’t like it.

Maybe it’s the concept of being so isolated from land, which is instinctively where I know I belong, maybe it has to do with the fact that the ocean is so unexplored and anything could be lurking below the waves. Or maybe I just have a healthy respect for the sea cultivated over many years of being surrounded by sailors, rowers, kayakers, canoers, and others who spend most of their lives on or near water. It’s hard to say, I’m definitely not qualified to classify something like this.

A step down in size, is my fear of getting old. This one I know for a fact is a fear. I dread my birthday, to wake up one morning and to be another year older, I hate that feeling. I think mostly I am afraid of waking up one day to find myself old, alone, and without accomplishments. I am not sure where this fear comes from, perhaps from the fact that I don’t have a plan in place for my future, perhaps from the fact that I either mess up my relationships, or pick people who treat me horribly. It’s also possible I’m just very aware of my own mortality. Again, not something I’m exactly qualified to quantify or classify.

To go even smaller, is my fear of social rejection. And when I say its small, I mean it’s very small, more of a nagging insecurity at the back of my mind than a fear. When I get invited out, I worry that its some elaborate ruse to make fun of me, or that I was invited, but deliberately given the wrong information so I miss it. This fear doesn’t do much, I still go out, I’m still social, it just makes the car ride, or bus ride, or cab ride, or whatever a little bit nerve-wracking. But ultimately it amounts to nothing more than just a nagging feeling right before I do something.

Around the same scale, is my dislike for needles. I get them all the time, a tetanus booster last summer, flu shots every winter. But I don’t like them. I can’t bear to watch the needle go in, I don’t even like to see the needle beforehand. I have a pretty good idea where this one comes from, I got really sick in elementary school, so they did lots of tests. Especially blood tests. Over six months I must have given half the blood in my body. Don’t like needles anymore.

At the smallest end, is this little tiny fear that someone I know is going to see this blog, and recognize it as mine. I’ve done my best to keep it anonymous, but someone who knows me well just might recognize me. There’s a blog I would like to follow, the one that inspired me to start this one, but I worry they will recognize me. I could deny it of course, but I’m not a good liar. So, I will refrain from following that blog, or liking the posts, or even viewing it while I’m logged in to WordPress.

That’s fear, all of it that pertains to myself. I don’t know what I hoped to accomplish with this, but it was interesting to explore it this way. My next post will be a bit more interesting, I promise.

 

-Dee

Solitude

Yesterday morning, when I left for work, all three of my room mates were sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast. When I got home last night after work, they were all hundreds of kilometers away. As of last night, reading week had begun. Mine began around Wednesday afternoon, but unlike many of my friends and classmates, I will not be going anywhere this week. I work almost every day of the break, and it would not make sense to go home. So, I will stay at school this week.

By staying at school, not only will I be the only one in my house, but the only one of my team mates still around, the only one from any of my classes still around, and likely the only one who will be using the training center. For the first time since training camp at the end of august, I will be completely alone. It will also be the longest stretch of being alone I’ve had so far. During training camp, it was only about 2 days before I saw my team mates, and my house mates moved in a couple of days after that.

This time, it will be a full week. But it’s not going to be a problem. I am definitely someone who can say they have known the joy of solitude. For those that don’t know, the difference between solitude and loneliness is that loneliness is the pain of being alone, while solitude is the joy of being alone. I spend most of my time wishing there was less people anyways. So being alone is not my concern. My concern is that without other people constantly being around, my natural aversion to other people and social interaction is going to come out in full force.

I watched Saving Private Ryan last night, a good movie, one I’ve never seen the end of until last night. But I kept pausing the movie, as cars would stop in front of my house, and the occupants would get out to go to one of my neighbors’ houses or check the mail box. I’ve found that when I’m not expecting people, and then there are people, I become very distrustful. Not quite paranoid, but enough so that someone who doesn’t know what paranoia is might call it that.

That was only after a few hours of my solitude. I wonder how it will be after 10 days of it. Maybe I’ll adjust, maybe I’ll be found digging a fallout shelter in the backyard. Who knows.

-Dee

Adjustment

Tonight, I was on my spin bike. Well, not really a spin bike, I have a couple road bikes and currently have one of them on an indoor trainer, essentially turning it into a spin bike. I do 90 minutes on it, a few times a week to complement my other training. Of course, it’s not nearly as fun as riding outside, but it’s a nice break from the other form of torture I use for conditioning.

One of the advantages that the bike has, is I can set up my laptop next to me, plug in my headphones, and just listen to whatever I feel like listening to. As a result, the playlist that I bike to tends to be quite random, mixed up, and in my opinion, quite fun. Tonight’s playlist saw the likes of Eric Clapton, The Rolling Stones, The Turtles, The Animals, Post-Modern Juke Box, George Michael, Cher, Tribe Called Red, Eminem, and Jedi Mind Tricks Presents: The Pharaohs Army. I know, quite the mix.

I have found that because the mix is so random and fun, I dance and I sing along to the music, although quietly, because I have housemates who need to study and sleep. But I’ve found over the last two months, since I was dumped, and subsequently found out how awful I was being treated, my sessions on the bike became more muted. I wasn’t singing, or dancing on the bike like I normally did. I just biked, straight faced, hands on the bars and suffered through my 90 minutes.

I was about 45-50 minutes deep into tonight’s suffer-fest when I realized something. I was having fun on the bike again. I had been dancing again, and singing along, and even tried to rap along once.

There were a couple weeks where I was wondering if this ordeal I had been through was going to ruin a part of who I am, but I think tonight showed me that I am going to be just fine. It’s just going to take some time.

After all, people don’t change.

 

-Dee